head check.

It's been a bit. Two weeks ago, someone who was first inline for blame, and past anger, passed. Passed while I paid a tab. Passed alone in what I consider sorrow, but now, autonomacy, left. Left alone in a nightshirt with her name tag, an amethyst pendant, and some earrings. Things collectable in a box. A bag thrown carelessly, that spoke volumes to me. She couldn't call, so the calvary came. Then, when the law stepped in, so, by lineage, so did I. I decided we had three days. Not on purpose, if such a thing is decided when you say it, but more by tolerance. On the fifth day, we mourned. Publically. Grown men cried. She would have felt resonance in that, a sense of justice and peace. He came. And awkwardly spoke to me in front of my Father, and for that, alternately, fuck him, and also, good for you, you ridiculous, sad man. In the never-ending wave of her love, you faltered. But you came uninvited. She would have loved that. I sit here, writing about this, these words, unintelligible, the first in years. Maybe this has weight. Regardless, I am here. You, gone, with your reverence for life, reserect a sense of, a sense of a voice in the night. My voice. I find myself after you are gone. After I cannot speak to you again, in either thanks, or judgement. You are past that now. All words are ours, and any here-after is the gamble of fools and dreamers. But I decide you hear me, and I say, Damn it, Mom. Thank you for my strangled voice, and fuck me for my anger. But that is mine, and I must finally own it. The Irish Goodbye was well-played. The credit to you is well done. Your new garden is well kept. We beat our breasts, and gnash our teeth, and sing our songs, so off-key. Good night, tall-small lady. I can say, no one was able to forget you. And many loved you. Sleep well, and feel that love, so poorly shown. Good night, Kathleen Flanagan Coffey. Forgive me for my poor spelling, and this obituary that speaks only to words unsaid. I wished to love you in the ways you should have been. I will never meet your like. Thank you.